I so wanted to hate this movie. It's another instance where I got screwed out of the recognition I deserve. I signed on as a consultant to help the screen writers get the details right. I do a fair amount of this kind of work due to my varied experiences during the zombie war. And what happens? They base the two male characters largely on me and yet, no mention of my name in the credits. True, they took some artistic license with the facts: I am better looking than either actor, wear a much nicer hat and had a thing for Hostess apple pies, not Twinkies. Just once, I'd like the world to know my story.
Like I said, I went into this movie filled with a rage burning brighter than a thousand suns. But those bastards made a great movie! I can't hate it. Sure, I can quibble with some of the details — explain to me how rotting flesh can run a 4.4 forty? — but over all, sound advice has been packaged in an great story.
The list of rules that Columbus generated is absolutely brilliant. I wish I could lay claim to that idea (though I did live by rules, I never wrote them down, dammit!). While some of these are obvious and covered in other sources like The Zombie Survival Guide, he came up with a few that I had not considered, such as:
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms
A very good idea since they usually have only a single entry point, it would be easy to become trapped.
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand
This is a variant of the "You don't have to be faster than the bear" rule. It's kinda cold, and I wouldn't use this strategy with just anyone (say a child or the elderly), but with someone who should otherwise know better and is a pain in the ass? Sure. Better him than me.
Rule 24: No Drinking
Ah, I would have thought that this would be a tough one for me, but given that I didn't have time to chill for the first few weeks after the outbreak, I never even considered taking a nip. But it's true, in a world where you are prey, you cannot afford to check out mentally, even for a few hours.
Rule 4: Doubletap
This is one rule with which I might have an argument, but if you listen closely to Columbus's explanation, he limits its applicability. Still, it's important to remember your goal when combatting zombies: you don't necessarily want to kill them, you need to eliminate them as a threat. If you're on the run and you put a zed down, it don't matter if he's still a twitcher. Don't stick around to finish the job, get the hell out of there!
Go see this movie! Yes, you will be riveted by the well written story and believable characters. More important, though, you will learn useful tips that may save your life should we experience another outbreak.
[Updated to remove reference to my no longer used Star Rating system.]
Are you ready for the end of the world? Truly, right now, if it happened, would you be prepared? It's one thing to talk and write about it, but another to experience it. We are better equipped today to handle this than we were pre-SHTF, but only because we have experienced the end of the world and survived. And when ours occurred, it started slowly, like a brush fire. We had days, or at least hours, to grok what was happening and take steps to deal with it. But what if it came out of the blue? Suppose your first inkling of the undead was a zombie battering down the conference room door during your weekly status meeting? I bet you wouldn't be here today.
Stephen King, a famous writer from before World War Z, wrote a piece of fiction that masterfully addresses this issue: The Mist, part of his collection of short stories titled Skeleton Crew. It has recently been made into a movie directed by Frank Darabont. I am covering both instances of this story in a single review because there is very little substantive difference between the two.
WARNING: Here there be spoilers!
The trigger is the eponymous mist that envelops the town as cover for, or perhaps the cause of, a range of otherworldly creatures that seek to end the world as we know it. Luck is the first variable that determines who survives. No matter how well prepared you might be, physically and mentally, if you are caught in the wrong place, you're dead. Even if you weren't, though, this would have been a difficult event to cope with emotionally. I dare say few would be able to redraw their mental maps in order to account for a bestiary that ranges from vulture-sized creatures with a poisonous sting to enormous, many legged monsters capable of crushing buildings. As in Mr. King's story, most would go insane.
Another issue dealt with masterfully here is how to pace yourself. If you are able to estimate how long an event might last, you could ration your energy and supplies to get you to that point. But when you have no clue, this becomes impossible. Is it a matter of hours, days or even years? You can't live minute-to-minute that way. You'll exhaust yourself and fall pray to an otherwise avoidable mistake. In the story, the question of whether or not one should leave the sanctuary of the store continuously arises. The place is an excellent location in which to hole up: you have plenty of supplies and, after a certain amount of work, it's reasonably secure. It won't last forever, though. Either your supplies or patience will run out. If only you know how long until it might be over. This is a key question for everyone who faces a TEotWaWKI event. It drives everything from when to seek shelter to when to abandon it. The tragic ending of the movie version – one of the few places where it differs from the short story – clearly demonstrates the problem of pacing one's self.
Finally, and most importantly, is the question of leadership. As demonstrated in Lucifer's Hammer, you cannot avoid this issue. Somebody will become alpha, it's just a question of who. It's in your best interest to ensure that this person is on your side. There are two characters in The Mist who step up to fill the leadership void, none of whom I'd want to be my alpha. The first, Brent Norton, is a man who couldn't redraw his mental map. He refused to believe in the danger that his eyes plainly told him existed. As a result, he lead several people to their deaths in a misguided attempt to seek help. The second, Mrs. Carmody, clearly saw that the events matched her world view: God is punishing us for our sins. I do not believe you could have done anything about the first, Brent was dead set on his path. The religious nut, however, would not have had an audience to sway to her point of view if someone else offered a viable alternative. If no one else is filling the void, you should step up.
Overall, I highly recommend this story, both in video and textual form. It is well written and acted. You will be entertained. It also clearly demonstrates lessons you need to learn should you be confronted with yet another end of the world scenario. Beware, though, of the fantastical nature of the harbinger of doom in this story. As something so different from real life experiences, I fear people will ignore any lessons it has to offer. If I could go back in time and warn the world about the impending zombie outbreak, I certainly wouldn't say a word about the undead. I would be ignored. Instead, I'd describe the zombies as infected, perhaps rabid, humans who have gone insane, leading them to murderous acts. This, at least, is something people back then could have grasped and dealt with.
I can no longer blog like an over-educated suburbanite. I cannot afford to have my focus scattered among all the possibilities. My priority must be to fight the forces that would deny me a good meal.
I am besieged by vegetarians, animal-rights activists and other assorted health nuts would force upon me their vision of what is acceptable to eat.
There are 5th columnists within my walls who seek to undermine my resolve through accusations of presumptuousness, insinuations that cheap and easy are the only appropriate positive adjectives, or a willingness to compromise my health in the pursuit of maximum profit..
The dust on the horizon, is it Anthony Bourdain coming to my relief with a mercenary band of drink-addled chefs who take pride in their ability to make a great meal? Or, perhaps, it's an irregular force of farmers' market denizens with fresh supplies?
I just hope it's not Alice Waters' Army of Locavores who would seek to impose upon me a peace not much different than that sought by my enemies.
My Manifesto
Think about what you eat.
Give me the info I need to make a decision, don't make it for me.
Different is not bad, give it a try.
Once in a while, make it yourself with fresh ingredients.
And chill, a meal is more than just the food.
In short, Don't yuck my yum!
Plan of Action
I will focus on rebuttals to the arguments of my enemies and expositories on my unusual yums. While I may still review restaurants and the media, it will only be as a means to the above.
We must speak up!
As part of this effort, I will move old posts that no longer comply with the new editorial policy. You may find some of them on another of my blogs: This is Centreville.
Think back to long before the zombie outbreak and war. How would you have reacted if someone told you there was a one in a million chance that zombies would over run the planet in 6 months? You would have laughed, wouldn't you? What if that someone was an authoritative source and she then said it's a one in a thousand chance that it will happen in one month? Even if you had listened and taken steps to prepare, given what you knew then, what could you have done? It is a dilemma similar to this that the authors document in Lucifer's Hammer.
This is another of the old school TEotWaWKI books I told you about about, this one written in the late Seventies. The end of the world mechanism in this case, though, is a comet. Despite that, the lessons the authors impart are perfectly applicable to any real world case. The differences lay in how that catastrophe played itself out. The amount of time between the start and SHTF was measured in minutes for many, hours at the most. And the catastrophe came in three waves: the initial blast, earthquake and tsunami; then the torrential rain that lasted for weeks; and, finally, the complete breakdown of civilized society.
First, there is the issue of how to prepare. In the book, as in real life, people chose a variety of paths: do nothing, flailing about or actually thinking this through. Given that the window for reaction was extremely short, it shouldn't be surprising that most didn't prepare or did so in a panicky manner. I loved the lady would bought a bunch of frozen food. But even for the ones who approached this rationally, what would have been the right thing to do? Most died in the cataclysm that no preparation could have prevented. Those who survived the initial calamity were presented with a completely different world: seas where none existed before, no law enforcement to prevent others from taking your stuff (or your life), transportation network in shambles. There was no way to truly ride this out because you could not predict where parts of the comet would land. Even if you could, preparation would have required a large group of united people on a large piece of productive and protected land with a large amount of supplies stashed away. Again, the chances of TEotWaWKI in this case were quite miniscule, but the preparation required to survive massive and unreliable.
The second relevant issue that the book discusses is how the human mind coped with the disaster. The lessons Lawrence Gonzales chronicled in Deep Survival play out in this story. A good proportion of those who lived through the comet's impact lacked the mental faculty to continue living or at least operating within the new environment. This event required you to radically alter your mental map of the world. Starvation became a real threat, both short and long term. You could not rely on the kindness of strangers. Truly, when you yourself could very easily go hungry in a month, how willing would you be to give a portion of your food stash to someone who cannot reciprocate? It's a sad fact, but a harsh reality. Most starved, especially the elderly and the very young, those who couldn't contribute. Others turned to cannibalism, which itself, though staving off immediate hunger, led to other issues such as the spread of disease and the horror it inspires in others.
The final issue is, as this story clearly demonstrates, that politics abhors a power vacuum. If you do not take steps to fill the leadership void, someone will and you may not like the results. Just ask Cesar Millan. You cannot just hope that things will work out. If you are not willing to step up, then you should find someone to whom you are willing to submit and work your ass off to ensure that you both prevail.
I will discuss further how this story plays out in the TEotWaWKI life cycle after the jump, but there will be SPOILERS.
Back in the day, Fine Dining and French Food were synonyms. There's a reason why they called it haute cuisine. I'm agnostic when it comes to food trends and am willing to try – and usually enjoy – anything, but I do like the classics. Dressing up to go out to an ornately furnished, ever so slightly stuffy restaurant with the frightening maître d', 500 piece place setting and a tab equal to your paycheck.
Alas, there's not many places like that left. I have to satisfy my jones by reading about such experiences. And when I do, I will tell you about them. My experience, though, is not that deep, so I have to rely on experts to help me fill in the details and provide the backstory. This is what I mean when I make references to Old School Big 3.
Le Guide Culinaire by Auguste Escoffier
Le Guide Culinaire by Auguste Escoffier
M. Escoffier is the founding deity of what we now think of as the fancy restaurant. At the time of his death, in 1935 at the age of 88, he was called the King of Cooks and the Cook of Kings. The GC (pronounce it "Zhay Say" if you like putting on airs) was his effort to systematize restaurant cooking. This was not written for the home chef. In fact, it assumes that the reader has a fair amount of knowledge and skills. It has to, there's over 5000 recipes and 68 menus packed into only 600 or so pages!
It's a fascinating read, though. You'll run across tid-bits like this one, early in the book, for Sauce Currie à l'Indienne:
In India, there are innumerable variations of this sauce but the basis of its preparation always remains the same. It may be of interest to note that the authentic type of Indian curry is not suitable for European tastes, but the flavour of of the above sauce is generally acceptable.
I also like the suggested wines in the menus, like the Perrier Jouet, extra dry, 1898. I bet, even if I could find and afford one, it ain't tasting too great any more.
If you're looking for your own copy, be aware that there is a recently published abridged version with only 2300 recipes in it. You can still find the original, if you look on eBay, Amazon or a good used book dealer, but it's not cheap. I consider myself lucky that mine was just under $50, shipped, but it is a former library book that's been well loved.
Larousse Gastronimique by Prosper Montagné
Larousse Gastronomique by Prosper Montagne
This encyclopedia of French cuisine was originally published in 1938. Each succeeding edition expanded the coverage to include some elements other cuisines, but it still remained primarily French. As with the GC, Larousse is not a cook book. It's a source of information that the classically trained French chef of old could consult when preparing a menu. True, there are entries for specific dishes, but also included are descriptions of equipment, ingredients and methods. A typical entry reads:
Dieppoise (A LA) — A method of preparation special to sea water fish. Fish à la Dieppoise is cooked in white wine, garnished with mussels and shelled fresh-water crayfish tails, and masked with a wite wine sauce made with the cooking stock of the fish and mussels. See Brill à la Dieppoise.
The Brill entry he refers to (there are 54 of them for this Flounder-like fish) pretty much repeats the above with the suggestion to serve as is or after glazing it in a very hot oven. As for the white wine sauce, there are three versions listed in a more recipe-like manner that a modern reader may recognize. So, you can track down what you need, but you'll be flipping back and forth to gather all of your data. Painful, yes, but then you'll run into the odd entry such as the one for Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord. I know him as one of the architects of post-Napoleon Europe, but his contemporaries thought of him as the greatest of French gastronomes. This makes it the effort worthwhile.
This book is easier to track down than the GC, but it's big, so you will still pay about $60 for a copy. I inherited mine, 1965 printing, from my mother, who seems to have bought hers new. Can't recall her ever consulting it, though, but then, the copy is as old as me.
Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Simone Beck, Louisette Bertholle and Julia Child
Mastering the Art of French Cooking
Yes, I realize that three people contributed to this book. There's a fascinating story in The United States of Arugula that recounts why Julia is the only one remembered today by most. So forgive me if I refer only to her. You must love a woman who, in supposedly prudish mid-20th century America, blurts out, "Wow! These damn things are as hot as a stiff cock." I'll tip my hat to Simone and Luisette, but I'll invite Julia to my party.
Unlike the other two, this book (or two, depending on which version you have) is written for the home chef. It is organized roughly by main ingredient / course and presents the information in the now standard recipe format of ingredients and steps (I do like how these are displayed in parallel columns, at least in my edition). The authors assume nothing on the part of the reader, so this is not just a straight list of recipes. Terms, equipment and techniques are described so that anyone can prepare the dishes in the book. The recently released movie, Julie & Julia appears completely plausible once you've leafed through this.
You should have no problems tracking this book down. In fact, they are selling more now, after the release of the movie, than ever. I also inherited this from my mother and it looks well used, though I cannot tell the source of the food stains. Was it a Bourguignon or just a little bit of the cooking Sherry?
O'Hanlon said the man got into an argument and fist fight, during which he bit off the left pinky of a 65-year-old man who opposed health care reform.
While this is positioned as an escalation in the fight over health care reform, I'm thinking otherwise. This would be a good time to review your procedures and check supplies, just in case we have another outbreak.
I have a stack of old school TEotWaWKI books written long before SHTF. If this book is any indicator of quality, I'm in for a long haul if I follow through on my intention to read them all. My problems with this book lie not just in the advice offered, but primarily in the fact that the characters are extremely boring.
The author posits a world brought to its knees by a virus. The main character, Isherwood Williams, was laid low by a snake bite when the pandemic swept away most of mankind, so he was not around to witness the unfolding catastrophe. Upon recovery, he stumbles through the world like a drunk waking up from an epic bender. The book follows him as he embarks on an odyssey from California to New York and then back to the west coast, where he settles and lives out the remaining decades of his life. The only reason I did not toss this book unfinished, is that I found the window into 1950s America to be fascinating, if somewhat repugnant.
First of all, do NOT look to this book for advice. You will find nothing here worthwhile. Some of the lessons taught:
Canned food lasts forever, so don't bother with farming or hunting/gathering.
Do not look to the library for reference material should you actually set out to improve your life. A real man can figure it out on his own.
Whatever you do, do not accept the mentally defective into your group. If you are stuck with one, you should kill or run the person off.
Ish would frequently give impassioned speeches about something that they must do, but there would be no follow up. As long as folks' immediate needs were being met, nobody did anything to improve their future prospects. For example, the water flowed freely from everyone's faucets: fine, dandy, what do we need to worry about? Water mains start breaking: no problems, some people still get water. Slowly but surely, their options dwindled until they were forced to gather water from streams. This process was repeated time and again with food, shelter and other necessities. No wonder their civilization ceased to exist.
To call this anti-intellectualism would be to imply an active opposition to thought. It is true the they discouraged their children from reading too much because it might make them think too much. For the most part, though, it was just laziness. Combine this with their opposition to anything sensual and you have a recipe for death by ennui. In addition to the above mentioned lack of desire for good food, sex was only for procreation. Anyone who seemed to exhibit desire, was castigated, labelled a bad person.
It's a wonder, given this window into life half a century before the true end of the world, that we didn't experience it much soon.
I've been encountering stories lately that make the claim that Paris is over-rated when it comes to food. I don't know if it's laziness or the inherent Francophobia present in many Americans, but it disturbs me greatly. First is from a column in the National Review by Lisa Schiffren. Here are some points she makes about Paris:
Food is too expensive
Few places are truly child friendly
You cannot have a meal whenever you want, you have to abide by their hours
Meals take forever
There is a lot of bad food, especially around tourist joints
So, basically, she wants the American experience in a place and time of her choosing. No wonder American tourists overseas have such a bad reputation. This quote, though, is the kicker for me:
There is much excellent food, of course. But who wants really excellent food every day? Sometimes you just want to get everyone fed and get on with your activities.
What are you doing in Paris, then? Stick to Disney World.
The second is from the Washington Post, in An Unsavory Holiday In France by Zofia Smardz. She writes after returning from Paris:
Where, in fact, were any dishes affirming the country's rep as the great culinary stronghold of the Continent? Because it wasn't just one bad meal, you see. In a week, we had maybe one good, never mind great, meal.
She provides the reason for this a few paragraphs later:
But if you're a casual tourist, you need to know: You're not going to find a fabulous meal around every corner.
Ah, so I see. She doesn't want to do the work find good places. Paris was never that way. You've always had to get off the beaten path to find the best food at reasonable prices. Despite her claims that it takes an expert to find good food in Paris (she names Joe Yonan who's the food section editor), anyone can do so if you're willing to do some research. Use the internet, ask locals and get off the main streets! Only the lazy, idiots or your those with your typical American palate could return from Paris without eating well. I have no sympathy.
